by Rob Kirby. February 8, 2006
Like something that plays right out of a "B" movie, U.S. Government number crunchers have raised the act of deceptive hubris to a truly specialized "art form" that would make any aspiring Hollywood script writer drunkenly jealous with envy. So here at Hollywood Inc. – where we've all seen more than enough if not had one too many - we're holding our own version of the Golden Globes. Here are our nominees for best Horror Flick of the year:
# 1 – The Labor Participation Hoax - Director: Frederico Jesse Fellini
Soundtrack and Original Score by David Bowie – Golden Years
This one is a "horror story" about an empire in decline – where evil number crunchers "rewrite" one of the laws of modern economics to help make the jobs picture in the Empire look strong – all the while its population is transformed into catatonic CNBC believing zombies – the living dead.
# 2 – Now You See Them, Now You Don't or The Truman Show –
Producer: Jean "Jesse" Renoir
[any resemblance to the other Jesse mentioned above is purely coincidental]
Soundtrack and Original Score by Creedence Clearwater Revival – Fortunate Son
In this devilish little ditty, jobs that were magically invented 6 to 12 months ago are "swiped" from the record books and they magically reappear in the middle of a depression to make everyone feel better. Oh well, better to have "rolling jobs" than "rolling blackouts" – don't tell anyone the plug gets pulled for real next summer, eh?
In this MacGyver rip off, a mathematician employs bungee cords, a pack of gum, two shoe laces, a paper clip, regression analysis and a tin foil hat to figure out, among other things: how Western Central Banks double count gold in their vaults - Enron Style - and how, during the coldest December on record with 16.5% of Gulf Natural Gas production shut in – the inventory levels of nat. gas housed in salt domes [the nation's strategic natural gas reserve] are reported GOING UP – when in fact a "low pressure" alert for one of these structures was actually issued [then immediately withdrawn] on the EIA web site – synonymous with inventory being depleted to the point where the dome's structural integrity is in question. One of the best and most thrilling who-done-its you will ever hear [last 17 minutes of broadcast].
Other Voices: G. Michael Bolser
The Golden Sextant
# 4 – It's Been A Hoard Days Night: Les Producers: Agricole "de Gaulle" Cheuvreux
Soundtrack and Original Score by: The Bugz – It's Been A Hoard Days Night
In this adaptation of an Embry/Hepburn classic – Not Free, Not Fair – involving a plot by the world's Central Bankers [spearheaded by the Federal Reserve] and their agents to surreptitiously rig the price of gold to provide cover for the debasement of the world's fiat money system is exposed. I won't tell you exactly how it ends but suffice to say the producers recommend everyone to hoard gold – and the ending does involve the U.S. Dollar no longer being the world's reserve currency. But shhhh – don't tell anyone, eh?
And now, as they say in Hollywood – the envelope please!
© 2006 Rob Kirby