Potential Economic Disaster as Kitchen Fire
by Kevin Lux. February 17, 2004
In the not-too-distant future, the size of the federal budget will outpace the amount of revenue that can be extracted from the taxpayers to finance it. Not to mention, we could have an energy and currency crisis to deal with too. Think of this potential economic disaster as a kitchen fire. We get a Republican and Democratic perspective. The Republican gives it a go:
Republican: Yeah, yeah, there's a fire in the kitchen. We've known about this for a while now, but I think it's best we do something at this time.
Moderator: Why don't you use a fire extinguisher and cut off the source of the flame, which seems to be the gas stove?
Republican: It's too late for that! Besides, we sold the fire extinguisher--remember those tax rebate checks? What we need is a bulldozer. If we can cut a firebreak between the kitchen and the rest of the house, we can save what's left and build a new kitchen with immigrant labor at a fraction of the cost of the current one.
Moderator: But won't a bulldozer do a lot of...
Republican: Damage!? (Grrrr! Crrrunch! Snap! Tinkle, tinkle--beeeep, beeeep, beeeep...) It's a little hard to hear with all this noise! (Grrrrrr) Some temporary dislocations can be expected, (Creeak, groooaan, pop!) but as long as we don't damage the load-bearing walls too much, we'll be in good shape down the road!
Moderator: And in the meantime?
Republican: We'll just import our food...er, eat out for a while! (CRASH! Thud, beeeep, beeeep...) Duct tape and plastic sheeting should suffice, but if the weather gets really lousy, there are always hotels. Those Pakistani desk clerks are very nice.
Moderator: Oh, this is painful to watch. Good luck!
Now we watch the Democrat face the same situation:
Democrat: Oh, my God! The kitchen is on fire! I know we had issues with that gas stove and the amount of clutter in there, but with this present administration's reckless and arrogant approach to the neighbors combined with the outsourcing of kitchen staff, it's a wonder that this didn't happen sooner!
Moderator: Okay, now that you have that out of your system, what do you propose to do?
Democrat: Well, first we must keep people working no matter what. No more jobs can leave this house. Lock the doors!
Moderator: Umm...isn't that kind of dangerous? You're going to kill the current staff, and you won't be able to stop other neighbors whose houses aren't burning from hiring people.
Democrat: Aha! Not after I impose steep tariffs on those guys! That'll show 'em. (Aaaaaugh!!! Cough-cough)
Moderator: Dude, that guy's on fire! And now the fire is in the den! I don't think your plan is working very well. Perhaps you should address the issue of the fire rather than what the neighbors are doing?
Democrat: Let me think... Got it! The extinguisher just won't do at this point, but there's a really neat way to put out the fire quickly. You know how they put out oil well fires? We need a crane and a box of dynamite! The shock wave will snuff the fire out instantly!
Moderator: Dynamite, eh? Won't that like...completely obliterate the house? And possibly some of the neighbors' houses too?
Democrat: Big problems require big government solutions, man! Besides, those neighbors don't seem to be real helpful all of a sudden. Slap on a 50% import tariff and it's whine, whine, whine! I just don't understand!
Moderator: Basic economics can be a real bummer.
Democrat: Just stick that thing right through the window there, Vinny! That's perfect! Ain't our union workers great?
Moderator: Yeah...just terrific. Don't mind if I just go hide in that ditch over behind that...um...mountain there.
Democrat: FIRE IN THE HOLE!!! (KABOOOOOOM!!!)
Moderator: Well, the fire's out. Hello? Anyone? Aw damn, where's my car?
Democrat: Uuuughh...something pierced my...
Moderator: Ooooh, yuck!! And I thought the Republican solution was painful to watch! Here, just use Vinny's hand there to apply direct pressure until the ambulance arrives. (Approaching sirens)
Medic: Hey, I recognize you from the last local Democratic Party convention! What a funny coincidence! You have some major bleeders here, but no worries. You know what they say, "Big problems require big government solutions," right? I need a chainsaw, STAT!
Moderator: Oh, God...
© 2004 Kevin Lux
Kevin Lux | Mount Holly, NJ | E-mail